Today I’m not in the mood to make light of the fact that my entire life is nothing but a series of events that rival being hit by a wayward motorboat driven by a flaming drunk lunatic each time I attempt to tread water in the ever-lovin’ Sea of Life.
Today I’m going to tell you what it’s like to exist on this planet as me.
Well, ok, just one aspect of being me. The thing. The thing God has given me. The thing that clues me in on certain things ahead of time. It’s a gift and I do see it as such and I do understand it. But when I mentally compare myself to other humans I get just a tad bit insecure, defensive, and shaky in the proverbial knees.
In order to successfully operate as me, you must be broken. I can only get by with a smile now, because I have been broken by life and by God and probably by you as well.
Before my mental blowout I was really suffering. The gift was intensifying but I had no place to put it in my head, I was stressed and burdened and trying to support my daughter and myself, alone, all the while being shown the depths of heaven and hell in my dreams and visions, some things pertaining to me, some things pertaining to others, some things pertaining to life as we know it and certain events that are looming, unseen events that is.
I don’t make predictions. No. What God shows me every now & then are glimpses into the spiritual state of things. Warnings. Teachings. And even things that comfort and uplift. I’m not one of those folks that goes around saying there will be an earthquake next month. In fact I could care less if there were.
But back to being broken. If people notice that I’m a little bit “off”, or loopy, disjointed, kooky… it’s all part of my Sanity Insurance. God had to allow me to be broken in order to be able to handle what He’s doing with my life. After the brain infection and spending the last year unemployed, recovering, and writing, some major changes have taken place, not only in my body but mentally and emotionally as well.
How can I describe it to you? Basically I am UNABLE to mentally wrap my mind around certain big things He’s shown me. I can’t ponder them too much anymore, all I am able to do is understand and accept, share what I’m supposed to, keep to myself a few things, and keep going, down this odd but beautiful and amazing path, until the day I get to go home.
I guess today I have one thing in particular on my mind, and that’s something heavy He’s shown me, and it has to do with me personally. He was very nice to clue me in. If I told you what it was you would not believe me. Moreover, if you were shown this and it had to do with you, you might not still be sane and smiling. But He’s given me a peace, a deep, deep peace. In fact, come to think of it, back in the mid-90’s a minister said to me that “God will give me a supernatural peace that surpasses all understanding.”
When I first heard that, I thought it was just referring to my ability to get by in life. But no. Now it’s dawning on me what that alluded to. I can’t even tell my family. I’ve only told one soul, and not even directly. I’m just hoping he gets it. I’m not even sure if I really want him to believe me or not. I think I’m secretly wishing he discredits me a little and thinks I’ve gone off the deep end with that one. Actually, if he ever brings it up, my response will be, “maybe it was just a bad dream.”
That won’t be lying.
Love! Amy
