I know I've rambled on for eternity about the fact that I got my brain infected, but did you know that I also have an issue going on in my bones? Yup. I do. Guess what: they're dissolving. Fast. Like an 80-year old woman. Isn't that funny? In addition to everything else? But it's not all over, just in my spine, mainly, up near my neck. Or in my neck. It was discovered when they were running all those MRI's to find out what was wrong with me (before they found the west nile.) It's not all that surprising to me, since I've always had skeletal problems, but I didn't know my bones were starting to fade away. The doctors said it's called spondylosis, and to just stay up on calcium, and no heavy lifting, but other than that there's nothing to be done about it really. I guess if it were making me fall apart or something they'd do something. Or not. I really don't care. My mom freaked when we found out, but I didn't. What can I do about it? To me it's just one more thing.
I have lots of "things". The scarring remains in my brain, smack-dab on the memory center place. It's not going away. Also, I tested positive for TB as a child, but I never had the disease. I had to take pills for a whole year that calcified the spot on my left lung. They said I'll always test positive for it, but I'll never get it, unless my immune system is totally broken down somehow.
Another thing is my nervous system. I can't handle too much at once. That's the only way to put it. And it's not in my head. It has to do with the physical wiring. Something's physically not strong in that area. Stress can immobilize me.
Why am I mentioning all of this? To point out the fact that in reality, I'm a BIG BABY. It's the Great Equalizer of my existence. I may dream dreams and see visions and understand and know and suspect and feel, but at the same time, physically I can barely handle it all. I can barely operate sometimes in my own life. Every day I feel like a fish out of water. Every day I wonder what I'm doing here. And today, I asked God again, to please help me to be able to enjoy things on this earth. I have trouble enjoying everyday things, like food and shopping and relationships. The basics. It's cause I see through it all and I want to go home. But I'm trapped here. So I want and need to be able to get something out of it. I like to give what I can, but it's hard to receive.
Sometimes I think I'm going to fall apart.
I have lots of "things". The scarring remains in my brain, smack-dab on the memory center place. It's not going away. Also, I tested positive for TB as a child, but I never had the disease. I had to take pills for a whole year that calcified the spot on my left lung. They said I'll always test positive for it, but I'll never get it, unless my immune system is totally broken down somehow.
Another thing is my nervous system. I can't handle too much at once. That's the only way to put it. And it's not in my head. It has to do with the physical wiring. Something's physically not strong in that area. Stress can immobilize me.
Why am I mentioning all of this? To point out the fact that in reality, I'm a BIG BABY. It's the Great Equalizer of my existence. I may dream dreams and see visions and understand and know and suspect and feel, but at the same time, physically I can barely handle it all. I can barely operate sometimes in my own life. Every day I feel like a fish out of water. Every day I wonder what I'm doing here. And today, I asked God again, to please help me to be able to enjoy things on this earth. I have trouble enjoying everyday things, like food and shopping and relationships. The basics. It's cause I see through it all and I want to go home. But I'm trapped here. So I want and need to be able to get something out of it. I like to give what I can, but it's hard to receive.
Sometimes I think I'm going to fall apart.
