.

Earlier this year, I had the recurring dream of attempting to bury a package of seeds. In the dream, I kept wondering, why am I doing this? How can you grow anything if the seeds are all buried in a clump, in a package? Yet I kept doing this, in my dreams.

God brought to mind the fact that I had my journal all wrapped up in a package (literally) and buried away, hidden.

He said, "Release My seeds."

Then, the dreams changed. I saw the package torn open and seeds scattered.

This is when I began to write like there was no tomorrow. It all just came pouring out of me, during this strange time of my life. I have been torn open.

Then, I had this dream a couple months ago: I saw myself standing in a huge pile of seeds, they were covering my feet, they came up to my ankles, they were everywhere! I laughed and reached down and scooped some up in my hands, I was amazed at how many there were.

God has given me clues through the years that He had plans for me, and I have always sensed something mighty, well, He's mighty, and I'm small, that's why when I feel Him it's so overwhelming. It's just this amazing thing inside of me, the Living God. He's so good, people. He is SO GOOD.

So about the seeds. I have been torn open, and I have proceeded to spill out all that was in me, for better or for worse.

That's what I will keep on doing. I have no idea what is worthy and what is trivial. That's up to Him. All I know to do is keep talking.

I'm laying here trying to sleep for a minute till it's time to go pick up my mom, but I can't, cause I just realized I forgot to mention a few things. And it's imperative that I include every detail during this time because I have to remember everything. And you never know, this up and coming season of my existence just might be more fascinating and exciting than the Year of the Mental Blowout. I think they should add that to the Chinese calendar. Some people are Monkeys, and you got your Roosters, then you have your Mental Blowout folks. I love the fact that that happened to me. In fact if I could go back and do it all over again, I might, just not the lumbar puncture. But everything else was fun. Except the seizures. Speaking of seizures, why did I wait so long to tell somebody I was having them? Why did I keep it on the down low? And why did I get rid of my car?

So I wanted to say, I still don't really know where I am located, in relation to my new job. I've never been out that much in that direction. I do have directions memorized to the thrift store, and this is how to get there (this is actually how I remember it:) leave apartments, go left. Keep going till you see the tunnel, but don't go in. Turn right. Keep going until the street comes to a shopping center, and if you were to keep going straight you'd crash into the front doors of Wig Palace. Turn left. Turn right at the Statue of Liberty. For real. A very energetic guy who's dressed like the Statue of Liberty, completely, all silver, even with the spikey crown on his head, dancing on the corner, holding a sign. Turn right. Pass McDonald's, then lo! Look! ...it's the thrift store, on the right! And it is chock-full of so many goodies I can't get over it. That's how I became friends with the girl who runs the counter there. I tell her this is one of the best thrift stores I've ever seen, and she seems to agree, but then again she's stuck working there. I might hate it if I had to work there. Speaking of work, today my mom asked me, Oh by the way Amy, how much are they paying you?

And when she said this, it dawned on me, I didn't even ask! I still don't know! I didn't even think about it. I guess, truth be told, I really don't care. I'm just happy to have a job again.
And the other thing I wanted to tell the whole world is that my ex husband is getting a divorce. Which is perfect timing, now I'll be able to send him some cash to help with the Spawn. This man has been so understanding all this time, for over a year now I haven't been able to contribute at all, and he hasn't said a word. I told him I can't wait to cut him a check. And pay my mom some rent. And send some cash to the Spawn. And start saving for a car. AND GET MORE CUTE CLOTHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now that I think about it, I do wonder how much they plan on paying me.
My throat is sudden WAIT. Oh great. The maintenance man is here, again. Why does my mother call him so much? Is this
HE'S LAUGHING AT ME!!!!!!!! He just called me in there and goes, LOOK!!! And he was holding a HUGE WAD OF MY HAIR ON HIS PLIERS!!!!!!!!!!! I AM HUMILITATED.
He just goes, who tub is this? You or your mom? And I confessed. I guess it got clogged before I chopped all my hair off. How did my mom know it was draining slow?
He just goes OKEY DOKEY!!! BYE!!! and left. I am going to die. This is like a plumber suddenly showing up with a plunger and heading into your bathroom with no notice and unplugging a huge WAIT my alarm is going off. I need to go get my mom.

MY THROAT HURTS.
My brain is all over the place. I've been taking alfalfa tablets round the clock for a few days now. I'm thinking of like, 10 things at once. Sort of like it used to be. I think my head is waking back up!











Well, you'll never believe what kind of person it looks like I might have become. Just guess. I have turned into one of those people who talk alot to the person who's ringing me up. I don't know how it happened or where it came from. I never used to be like this. But now I have a real-live budding social circle, the girl at the thrift store being my number one. She remembered me today. She was like, you got the job? Cause it was her that rang me up last week (on the day that I SHOULD'VE been getting something to wear on an interview (which I'm glad I didn't, as it turns out I didn't need it) but instead got the block of wood with the peas on it.
This morning was sort of deja vu, I found myself in the drive-thru line at McDonald's again, but did NOT order the number 6. I got the number 3 instead. I don't like combo meals but there's no time to pick and choose what you really want anymore. They rush you through and there's hardly any time to get out your money. I feel very intimidated these days, in a wide variety of situations. The worst is the Wendy's drive-thru, there's not even time to blink. I don't know how they do it.

I love what they wear at my new job. There's no real uniforms, but you have to dress in black and white. As in, black pants and a white blouse. So naturally I stretched this to the limit and made sure everything I got today was super-unique and cute, for example, cute black boots with shiny zippers and they go halfway up my legs. Of course they won't show. But I'll know I'm wearing them and that's all that matters. Finally, a valid excuse once more to wear zippery black leather boots. I...

I HAVE ARRIVED.

Wait. There's something else I was going to say.

(thinking)

....

...





Oh yeah! Speaking of wearing things that nobody knows! When I was typing that above, it made me think of my dreadful days of wearing a sports bra, and then going to this Wal-Mart in order to remedy the situation, and tossing the ugly thing into the parking lot.
That's what I was going to say. Another reason why today was deja vu: I went back to that same Wal-Mart today, and got some really cute unmentionables, and came home and tossed my old ones, including the bra I got to cancel out the sports bra, into the trash. So it's like, the full circle of Wal-Mart and bras. You just don't know. So it looks like I'm steadily climbing the ladder once more, and maybe by next year there will be no need to keep upping things a notch in my wardrobe, maybe by then I'll be all set with the cutest clothing EVER. Like I had when I had an apartment out here (right down the road actually) and I dressed up every day and had the most adorable clothes and shoes ever, but then found out that when you look all steamy and sassy AND live alone, panty thiefs come and break in and do bad things in your apartment, running you off to live with your father for a season, eventually resulting in you getting your own place again but not without first throwing away all your makeup and chopping off your hair in order to deter the curious neighbors who stare while you unload your few belongings out of your Chevy Metro in the broken-glass littered gravel driveway of the garage apartment to the mobile home with the sewage puddle out back that had mosquito larvae in it.

People, just a warning. I'm back, and I'm dangerous. Stand back. No, for real. I mean it this time. There is absolutely NO TELLING what's next.








Last night as I was going to sleep I remembered something that happened when I was little, we were out riding bikes, all of us neighbor kids, that would be a pack of about 7 or 8 kids, and I was the youngest. Those days were different, things were safe, we'd ride all over the place, on bike trails, to the YMCA, to Aunt Stella's Sno Cones, to Edgefield Park, to Polar Bear Ice Cream. As long as we stayed together, we pretty much had permission to go anywhere we wanted.
On this one particular day we were doing the bike trail thing, going up and down the hills, in single-file, and of course I was last in line. I think I was about 6 or 7 years old. I was going along, and I fell, my bike toppled over and I went tumbling, and I remember just laying there, stunned for a minute. Finally I looked up and realized, I was alone, all the other kids were long gone and nobody knew I had fallen.

Then! Next thing I knew, these two hands are under my arms, my bike is set up straight and I'm suddenly sitting on it. Before I could even think twice about it, I looked, and he was gone. It was some kid on a bike, an older boy, and not part of our group. I didn't recognize him, I guess he had been riding a way back behind all of us or something. Anyway, he didn't even say a word to me, just came up, put me back on my bike, then took off down the trail.
I remember thinking "thank you" in my little heart because I couldn't say it to him. I got back on the trail and eventually caught up with my group, who didn't even know I had fallen. I was little but also faster than the rest of them.

I don't know why this memory came to mind last night. I wasn't thinking about me falling, I was thinking of the fact that I had a helping hand, just out of the blue, to pull me back up, and didn't even linger long enough to hear a thank you.
To him it was probably nothing, but to me it was something.
I guess it came to mind because I feel like I've been suddenly put back up right and able to go again. Yesterday, I was hired, and I didn't even have an interview. I was early, so I called the manager from the parking lot and asked if I could come by a little earlier for the interview, and she said, you know what- let's just skip the interview, I can tell you're right for this place just by talking to you on the phone earlier and by looking at your application. Just come on in & we'll get the paperwork going.
So I got a job in a parking lot. I ... I was...

well let's just say that I called everyone in my entire family, and they're as happy as I am. I got the hours I wanted, at the store I wanted, doing the thing I wanted, at the location I wanted. And now today I'm getting some new clothes. That's because I'm dangerous.
On the way home I had to stop by and tell Mark, and rubbed it in his face that I'm working at a vitamin store again, using all the knowledge that he trained me in. I got a little certification thing while working at his store, and he's the one who studied with me and taught me the basics. I love to remind him that his investment in me is being scattered abroad. He hangs his head and sighs and says, "You pick on me because I'm Jewish." He's hillarious.

I've come so far. I can't help but be really, really, exceptionally happy for myself at the moment.
As of next year, I will honestly be able to say that I've been doing this for a decade. The vitamin stores. I accidentally got a career!

I wrote a story last summer. I'm not even sure of the full meaning, if there even is one. I really got into it. Writing it totally consumed me. It's here
http://www.myspace.com/saying_things_i_shouldnt

but I really have no idea who would actually want to go thru all those links to read it all. It's about a cowboy.










Ok. This is what I've decided. This blog is too full already, I'm feeling clogged up. But I promised you and myself that I wouldn't do any more links to any other pages. So: I'm going to go ahead and lock myself out of this one. And! Start sharing interesting things (dreams, visions, and drawings too! :) via email. Let me know if you want to be on my not-yet-but-very-soon-to-be-email-list. (I haven't made it yet.) (that's cause I just got the idea about 10 minutes ago)
amy_@snakebite.com



Thank you for reading my stuff.

God bless you up and down, and all around.



love, A.